Commitment

Or lack thereof... I have found it extremely difficult to be committed lately (not in the big things like marriage... love my man more than ever) but in the stuff that takes a little will power. A little dedication. A little sacrifice. I've spent more time worrying. Fretting. Being disappointed (in myself and others) when it doesn't turn out like I would want it to. 

But, as it turns out, I've done nothing about bringing about the outcome I desire. I've not sacrificed my appetite, my sleep, my comfort... I've not given it to God. 

Over the weekend we had a guest speaker at our church - a missionary... He had so many great things to say but what I remember most was:

"If you're not praying... you're laboring in vain."

What is it about me that thinks I can just get by on my own resources. I so quickly run out and come to this place of "Holy crap. life is hard! How did I get here?"

When all along, God was hoping to be a part of my life. A daily piece necessity. Not an afterthought as I inadvertently have made him. 

I'm sure that many can attest that we use God as a crutch. As long as we're walking around just fine - under our power - we have no need to lean on him. Then all of this sudden a pain flares up. One that's always been there and we're just now feeling it throb. "Where's my crutch?.... I need something to get me through this until I can walk again on my own." That's not how God intended it. That's not a relationship. 

While pain is not guaranteed to go away. I want a relationship that is so intense when I'm healthy - that when that pain flares up I consider it JOY to feel the reassuring arms of my savior - not the laboring pressure of crutches.

I have recently come to the realization that there are a few things I want in life. Very specific things. And every so often I get all worked up that they have not been in my timing... but what is my timing really? In the grand scheme of things? ... I want these things but I have realized that I've not REALLY prayed for them - thus my laboring over them has been in vain! So... as of yesterday I've made myself a goal. I will take these things to the Lord in earnest prayer. Every day for one month. Hopefully I'll want to continue bringing them to the Lord after that - but I need a goal that is attainable so I can feel myself growing. I'll know how badly I want these things - by how much I really spend time before the Lord in prayer. And in the end - I know whatever the Lord's answer... He will bring me peace. And I will rest assured.